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Fluff

[Fluff] Wooo 5k party!

I have been keeping track of my word count since the start of the year. I happen to be fond of tracking things, random OCD thing probably. I have a nifty excel sheet with graphs and averages and… and… and I digress. The point is: last week was the first week this year that I managed to write over 5k words. This is extremely exciting for me. I was very happy I finally hit my goal, only took me 3 months.

But this is only the start and I know it. I still need to do it consistently which will be harder than hitting it in the first place. The other problem is this word count is measured in most everything I write, stories, blog, personal journal, guided prompts. I figure any writing is words well spent and I shouldn’t sell myself short. This leads to me still feeling like I am not getting jack poo done.

Last weeks word count was mostly from personal journal entries and some guided prompts that I have been doing with the kid. No story writing done. Still. Always. I write, therefore I am a writer. I am just having issues being a fiction writer. Sometimes I really think about doing nonfiction, I am extremely good at research papers. I blame public schools but that rant is not the point today.

I have gone back to reading more tips for writers though. Except that I keep getting stuck in this loop of where outlining is the better option and what I want to do, but I can’t come up with ideas to outline. So I try to just wing it until I get a good enough idea, but I keep getting stuck not knowing where to go, thinking “Hey! I should have an outline!”. Going back and trying to outline and I feel like I have no ideas again. Rinse and repeat, anyone?

How the hell do I get past this? Mostly, I think it involves not thinking about it. For me, that’s like telling me not to breathe while I am at it. Extremely difficult to shut off my brain. Prompts are nice, they give me a base point. But prompts a story does not make. I have even tried a kind of prompt outline, building each scene on a prompt to try and trick myself into working. Nope, nada, I can see through my clever ruse and I reject it wholeheartedly.

So I still sit here and work on writing, writing anything to try and get something down. Read many tidbits lately that amount to “you have to write 1000 words of crap to get 50 words that work”. Hoping somewhere in my word upchucking something will click. I know it will just take practice to numb myself to my own writing and just let me get on with it already. But somehow running headfirst into a blank screen every day doesn’t seem to be doing much but giving me a headache.

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[Fluff] Middle of nowhere

The middle of nowhere is really where I feel my writing is right now. I am getting some stuff done, not as much as I’d like, but more than I give myself credit for most of the time. Need to read more. Need to write more. Need to be more me and less everyone else.

With the kid being homeschooled, sometimes we get out of the house for lunch and a trip someplace else to work and focus a bit better. Except Starbucks was punctuated by loud annoying women complaining about their mothers so we grabbed our drinks and ditched work for a random drive to explore.

I love to explore, the kid is less fond of the it but he suffered well enough. Ended up in the middle of nowhere, upon the child’s suggestion we played the “lets drive straight” game. We drove straight as far as time would let us, then turning around decided to randomly hop out and take pictures of a partially snow covered field which led us to taking pictures of a stream that ran through it, previously unnoticed. It’s nice to stop long enough to see small beauties in the world. And depressing that I don’t more often.

On the way back we also grabbed pictures of Pewaukee lake, which was completely frozen over still. Reminded me of the small town in American Gods (Neil Gaiman). Half expected to see an old car out on the ice. Really itching to read it again now but afraid of the time spent not reading other things. In the end, anything is better than nothing. In ways, I am happy I read American Gods when I did though. Living in the Midwest has given me a different perspective on it than if I had read it while in Washington.

I the end, I didn’t get the work done that I meant to today, but I was creative. I did spend the time to stop and see things I wouldn’t have otherwise. I’m still in the middle of nowhere, but if I keep going straight I will hit somewhere worth being.

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[Fluff] Bangs head on desk

I should really rename the [Fluff] category to [Too fucking hard on myself]. I have missed tons of posts again, mostly because I sit around not wanting to write about how I’m not writing again. So, of course, I finally sit down to write and complain about how I’m not writing again.

Plus side, I am reading more. Besides my random library grabs, I did pick up a P.G. Wodehouse collection on my kindle, thanks to my awesome mothers suggestion, so will be working through that this week. Have also acquired found someone to share books with back and forth, so I look forward to what that exposes me to, as well as revisiting old favorites. Unfortunately my normally calm weekend was punctuated with a very long birthday sleepover for the kid which resulted in too little sleep and too many distractions to get anything done.

My current goals for the week are to write. Write. Write. I know, I go through this every week, but it needs to be done. Reading is important, it helps me learn craft and flow better, but without writing it doesn’t do me much good. Any writing would do, even my personal journal, which I also neglect often. I have no time excuses, homeschooling the kid gives me great quiet time to work on things. I also know that writing every day, without worrying about inspiration, will help my writing overall. The trick is forcing myself to do it. I have magically ended up with a great support system, unfortunately I am also great at fighting back against others when they try and help. It has to come from me and even though I want to write, I can’t find a way to translate that to actually doing it. Unfortunately drive does not equal results in my world and never has.

But in the end, I have written a blog post for today, even if its ranting at myself again. May not be interesting for anyone else to read, but it’s writing and it does help me put things in perspective sometimes.

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[Fluff] Let’s try this again

Okay, so I tried to have the drive last week. It didn’t work.

Take 2. I already have a post queued up for this week, so at least I am a little bit ahead.

I have nothing really exciting to talk about today. I know, this blog is dull and you want to gouge your eyes out every time you read it, except you probably don’t read it so your eyes remain intact.

So, I am supposed to be talking about writing and not writing. I am definitely good at the not writing part. Today at least I had decent reasons for not writing fiction. I won’t bore you with the details but at least I did get stuff done rather than waste time avoiding getting stuff done.

I have still been taking notes and doing research on things to blog about, which is good in its own way. Except that I am having issues translating that from notes into actual blog posts. My brain tends to process things concisely, expanding what can be said in 2-3 sentences to 200-300 words is difficult for my quite often. I have pages of notes sitting around but can’t conceptualize how to turn them into posts. I have a feeling my OCD and depression is creeping up on me more than I am consciously admitting, need to get some work done before it really kicks my butt.

I did spend a good chunk of the weekend checking out a very interesting writing program called Scrivener. I would tell you how awesome it is, but I will take any opportunity I can to make a blog post about something and no sense repeating myself when I plan to talk on it later. If you want the 10 second version, its best explained as a word processor enhanced for a novelists needs. It’s specifically intended to help you get the first draft down. I think it will be bloody awesome, when I can come up with ideas to write about.

Which leads me back to OCD and concise thinking and being unable to take 2-3 sentences and turn them into 200-300 pages — and I keep thinking blog posts are hard. Oy vey.

It’s a good thing I have nothing more to say for the night, I just had a puppy lay on my lap trying to oust the laptop and making typing difficult. With luck, I will have real posts this week.

Edit: Upon removing the puppy from my person, I manage to create 3 additional blog posts to this one and have scheduled them accordingly. I can smile and go to bed now, happy in the knowledge that I am doing awesome.

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[Fluff] Placeholder Post

This is a post.

This is a placeholder post.

This is a “I have slept 14 hours today” post.

This is a “I realize I missed yesterdays post too” post.

This is a “I will make up for it this weekend when I hopefully have content” post.

This is a “Thank you for your patience” post.

 

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[Fluff] On Photography

So lately I have been on this photography kick. I love taking photos, but have always felt strange in doing so because I do not take photos like everyone else I know. When I was younger and at Disneyland with my aunt, I remember having a conversation with her because she disapproved of my photography choices. “People want to see photos of people, it makes it more interesting,” she tried to tell me. Even then I thought she was off her rocker.

Today, it kind of clicked. Photography for me is not about memories and never has been. It’s about the art. Its the art in the landscape. Its the art in a well lit scene. The geometrical beauty of the inner workings of a Disneyland ride. I don’t need to remember it all, my brain works well enough to do that. But I do want to admire the art work later. While portraits can be art as well, they are fewer and farther between for me.

And that is an approach that I take to many things, and often take for granted. Unlike what seems to be a lot of the world, I really enjoy the beauty in the small things. The monotony of people drive me nuts. I would rather be doing anything else than listen to someone recap the fight they had with the elevator door or other such useless piddleycrap. Granted, some are great story tellers and make it worth while, most are not. But even with the dullness of people, I will watch the world with keen interest for hours and not get bored. The way the sunlight hits the houses across the stress, meanders across the road, catches every dew drop on each blade of grass. These are all things I cherish and enjoy. Most people walk away before noticing its happening at all.

There a joy in the slowness of the world. That is what I like to photograph. Now if only I had the skills to do it better.

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[Fluff] Fluffy fluff is fluffy

So tonight was cub scouts. Somehow, I managed to be the one with the most wood working experience out of the adults, all men older than myself. Including the leaders. So I got to help supervise 4th/5th grade boys using clamps and jig saws. My night was long. I am tired. I am sick of cop out blogs, but I’m also sick in general. I could expand this forever, I am sure, but my brain is going blarg. Didn’t read a book this week so don’t even have a review. So, fluffy fluff blog post.

At least I am still posting. Even if it’s pure horse crap, I am still here trying.

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[Fluff] News flash

I suck at writing. Got 181 out of my 6000 word goal done. What I did write is good, but I can’t make myself write. That is depressing. And that is all for the night as I go pound my head on my pillow after sitting here for 4 hours.

We will resume our regularly scheduled rantings at another date that is not now.

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[Fluff] Being productive without getting stuff done

So lately, I have felt very productive. I have started a blog and kept it running for 3 weeks now, this will be my 15th post. That’s a lot of writing and dedication in general. I have also upped my social and cultural awareness, frequenting other blogs and even commenting occasionally. I started strong with working on critiques, though that has waned. I have more or less stuck to an exercise schedule that has been actually working for me, something I’ve tried to do for years. Not to mention homeschooling the kid without murdering him yet. I have learned a lot and gotten a hell of a lot done in the past few weeks. Then why do I feel like I am not accomplishing much?

I have done a lot to be proud of lately. But I haven’t written much story wise. This is depressing for me, I am supposed to be a writer. Writers write, last I checked. Yes, I have reasons, I have been busy, I have been drained of energy some days. But I have had time when I could of and have had days where writing should have been easy. But I am always stuck not knowing what the hell to put on the page. Even with a million ideas, the act of translating those ideas and expanding them into dialog and action is especially difficult for me sometimes.

Until I get past this, there is no way I will be able to be a writer. I do not know what it will take though. This is definitely my own personal writers block. I know with practice it will come easier, but how to practice starting when you don’t know where to start. I have managed 15 days of blogs, most days without knowing what the hell to write. Unfortunately, fiction is apparently much harder for me than blogging.

So my goal for the weekend is to write 6,000 words. I don’t care if I have to pull my own teeth out to use in some diving ritual, or read my tea leaves, or read the entrails of a rodent. I will write this weekend. It can be crap, it can be complete horse shit. It will get done. I cannot be a writer without writing, so writing I shall do.

Goddamn I am dreading this weekend.

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[Fluff] Randomosity

This is a blog post. This is a blog post where I have no clue what to write about. Hence, it is a blog post like every other blog post I start on this blog. Blog of posts. Blog of blog posts even.

I had a great idea for a blog post in the shower before I sat down to write this. Naturally, I have since forgotten it. So, while I have nothing that seems important to talk about, I will not allow myself to miss a day. If you don’t want to hear random crap about my week, leave now or forever be bored to death.

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